Old familiar conversations

Erika stayed home from school today. She has a cold. She's been having some rough days at school, and it's a lot to expect of her to deal with her anxiety plus cold symptoms. I believe that we saw an improvement initially with her new meds, but I think we need to increase the dosage. She has a doctor's appointment scheduled for next week to review her meds situation. With that said, it is difficult to know just how much is enough. She has not been willing to do her work at school. How much of this is oppositional defiance, and how much is boredom? I feel that Erika seems completely bored with life in general right now. It's winter in Michigan. She needs more exercise, more outlets and more outings. I'm doing my best to help her in these areas, but I need to do better. 

I needed to be focused on projects for school today. I'm way behind, and Erika's IEP is scheduled for Thursday morning, so there will be less time at the end of the week to catch up. I was not the mom I wanted to be today, to say the least. I left Erika alone to rest, and to find things to do. Eventually, she made her way to our basement. A few minutes passed, and when she came back upstairs, she presented me with our old VCR, cables still attached, and an old VHS tape (a recorded episode of Sesame Street) that she hasn't seen in a few years, ever since the VCR finally broke and we decided not to replace it.

I explained to her that the VCR was broken, but she wasn't buying it. I hooked up the cables to our small TV, put the tape in, and showed her that the play button didn't even work. I unplugged it and set it aside, wishing I had thrown it away long ago (it is still here because looking for the proper recycling protocol was on my to-do list at one time). Within a few minutes, Erika had picked up the VCR and made her way to the family room, where she placed it in its old spot under the bigger TV. I believe this was her way of telling me, "It goes HERE. Try it HERE."

She really wanted to watch this VHS tape. I kept these VHS relics for a reason. They are her conversations. She remembers them, and she craves them. Any mom who is home with their kids for an extended period of time knows what it feels like to crave a real adult conversation. I think Erika has the same sort of itch to have somebody speak to her. Not at her, but to her. Erika's inability to reciprocate in conversation does not mean that she doesn't need conversation. It takes initiation and imagination on the part of the adult. But she needs it.

A game of jacks 

Erika's sister recently won a small prize at school: a game of jacks. Like many 21st-century kids, she had never actually played jacks before, but she knew what they were. She asked if I could teach her how to play. We sat down on the floor, and I showed her the objectives of the game. Such a simple game, but not as easy as it may seem. Erika noticed our antics, and she sat right down with us. She started counting, "One, two, three..." and then eventually yelled, "QUIET!" I realized that not only was she aware of the objectives of the game, but she was inserting the script from the Little Bear video where she learned about the game (Little Bear and Emily were playing jacks, and Father Bear yelled, "QUIET!" because he was trying to read the newspaper.). She hadn't seen this video in a long time, but the content stayed with her.

I have come to realize how much these on-screen friends mean to her. They are gentle and kind, and they do not judge. They do not walk away when she doesn't respond, like the kids on the playground. They continue to play, no matter what. They play jacks, and they play hide-and-seek. They make up songs, and they hang out and talk. They are very interesting to Erika. They have given her scripts that she has studied over and over, and applied to her own life when she can. As much as I wanted to throw out these VHS tapes when the VCR died, I couldn't do it. It felt too much like killing off her best childhood friend. We had a lot of the Little Bear VHS tapes, and they now reside at grandma's house, where the VCR still works.

The people who work with Erika, both at home and at school, need to become a part of these conversations. When she shows an interest in a particular video, we need to pause, and have a conversation with Erika. We are not the kids on the playground. We have an obligation to engage her. There is so much content to discuss. The content is age-appropriate, and there are plenty of social lessons to be learned. She needs to know that her friends are not the characters on the screen, but the people surrounding her, who are willing to talk to her, not just at her.     

-Erika's Mom